(My main girl, Kara, and I wrote this last year for the Stanley Cup Playoffs;)
A Letter To My Wife During The Hockey Playoffs
As you well know, you are the light of my life; you are my companion through the hills and valleys of this life. Being together with you and our children is what defines my very existence.
When I look into your eyes I still see the woman I fell in love with all those years ago and cannot wait for what life has in store for us next. When you are sleeping beside me at night I know the secret to the meaning of my life.
That said, tonight the NHL playoffs start and we won’t be seeing each other very often for the next few weeks.
The grass will not be mowed as often as you would like and I will not be available for helping with the kid’s bath and bedtimes. The vehicles will most likely only be washed when it rains and please remember to only talk to me during commercials.
I will prefer to watch the games on the big TV, so you will have to DVR your programs and watch them at other times.
Also, during this time I would prefer the refrigerator to be stocked with my favorite hockey-watching foods and beverages. A quick trip to the grocery store every now and then would really mean a lot to me.
Now, we both know that my work schedule will not allow me to watch every game live, so DVR-ing my games will take precedence over anything you would want to watch.
You should expect the living room to look a little more ‘lived in’ than usual, so a bit of extra attention there on your part would be great.
I would hope you have a good attitude when my friends and I wake you and the kids up with our late night yelling at the TV and high-fiving.
Remember that we’re a team and sometimes you need to go the extra mile for the sake of being a team-player.
You will find me to be very upbeat during this time, unless my team ends up losing early on; in which case I will be angry and depressed.
During the action, I will not be able to make it to the refrigerator, so I may need you to be ‘on call’ and bring out an occasional sandwich or drink.
Also, since most games start around 7:00 or 7:30, dinner should be ready no later than 6:30.
I know I don’t need to bring this up, but please try to limit your walking in front of the TV to zero times.
Remember, our love knows no bounds and is a light that never goes out.
Your Loving Husband
Her Actual Response
I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you how much you mean to me. I have loved you for almost half of my life and I am so happy with the life we live together.
You have given me a wonderful family and I wake up happy every day just knowing that our love is so strong. We can get through anything life throws at us and I am excited about what the future holds for our little family.
I have read your “love letter” full of “gentle reminders” about how I can help you more thoroughly enjoy the playoff season and I would like to share my responses.
Please keep in mind that I love you and everything that follows is written with great care and the utmost respect.
I look forward to taking care of all of your nutritional needs during the playoffs. If I remember correctly from past years, this playoff season will last approximately 982 days so I may have to repeat a recipe or two, but I’ll try hard to keep the menus varied.
Just to give you a sneak-peek, the first night I’ll be serving a delightful brussel sprout salad with balsamic vinegar and sliced almonds that is light enough that you will have plenty of room for beer!
Don’t worry about the mess you make in the living room, I’ll be happy to tidy up after I’m finished sorting your socks. Now, keep in mind that I am looking forward to doing these things, I’ll just need to finish up my online chat with Julio…um, I mean Stacey.
Feel free to DVR the games that you can’t watch while you are working. I’ve just finished our taxes and that four-figure income you pulled in last year is a constant reminder about how hard you work everyday for our family. Clearly you deserve to come home and watch these games at your leisure.
I’m sorry, that game you programmed didn’t record? That’s funny, I must have been recording too many shows at once. I can’t believe that I didn’t delete America’s Next Top Model and Trading Spaces so your game would record! Oops! I am sure that will never happen again.
Please don’t feel obligated to help out with bathtime and bedtime. I know these games are very important to you and I would never ask you to participate in the actual parenting process.
Of course, as a result of this, you will not be participating in any kind of “process” with your loving wife for the duration of the season- know what I mean? Wink wink.
Don’t worry about all that beer you’ve been drinking, that new beer belly is hardly noticeable. I know, I know, I shrunk all your clothes in the dryer. Shame on me for doing laundry for 15 years without incident before now. Clearly I just got lucky with the past 2,138 loads of laundry.
Thanks so very much for giving me the opportunity to respond to your kind letter. I look forward to the playoff season and I’ll be sure to tell Julio„,um, I mean Stacey you said “hey.”
With unending love,
Your Very Patient Wife